Feb 8 to Feb 22. Lots happens in liver land in that relatively short space of time.
He's been out of hospital (2 days out)
He went back into ICU again Friday night.
I remember when this all began, he used to spend 3 days in hospital, with 5 days out. Now we're 10 days in and 2 out.
They have taken him off the seizure medication (thank GOD because he turned into an utter prick with it) because it doesn't seem to be helping.
Just let him die already.
Mum and I went to see him yesterday and I ended up doing a head gasket. I'm not going to repeat what I said to him, but listening to the way he speaks to my mother sometimes makes me inherently angry - and really pushes home the fact that he's not really my father anymore.
No idea what drugs he's on; but it was the kidneys shutting down this time.
Of course it's happening now; its mine and mums birthday tomorrow. He couldn't possibly stay around for a family event. He's missed every event (we'll say J's wedding too, because he wasn't there mentally and the next day was our first trip into ICU) for the last 6 months. His birthday, C's birthday, M's birthday, Christmas, R's birthday, J's wedding and now mine and mums birthday.
It's like he's weaning himself off his family.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
At this stage..
We're at a no. Not until they can work out and control these seizures.
I expected it; I'm better than I thought I'd be.
He got out of ICU yesterday and is now back to 'normal'. He remembers me yelling at him which is incredibly weird; usually he remembers nothing.
I expected it; I'm better than I thought I'd be.
He got out of ICU yesterday and is now back to 'normal'. He remembers me yelling at him which is incredibly weird; usually he remembers nothing.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Paying Debts without money
As part of my job, I carry a pager. Our company provides 24/7 service you see, so if someones coolroom isn't working @ 2am, it's my job to send an electrician out.
Wednesday night, I bombed. Literally. My boss, M, was woken up throughout the night by pagers going off because it was so hot. He was Ok about it, but I felt like a shit.
But; what goes around comes around (as we all well know). Mum called @ 2am - Dad was a mess. All she could understand was that he was going to kill her. So, over I go (J was on her way too, but it's me who seems to be able to put him in his box when he's nuts). He'd also wet the bed. At fifty-fucking-six. Really, WHO wants their child to see them like that?
He tells me over and over that he's going to kill my mother until I snap and yell at him that he has to come through me first and bloody good luck with that. I *know* he doesn't mean it and I *know* he'd have no hope in hell of hurting her; but bloody hell. After EVERYTHING my mother (especially) does for him....
He was at the hospital all day yesterday because he was a little bit outside the box; the fuckers sent him home. But his bloods are fine - so what the hell this is this time, I have no idea. Mum and J are at the hospital now and will no doubt call me when they hear something.
I figure my Wednesday night debt is paid in full and then some.
Wednesday night, I bombed. Literally. My boss, M, was woken up throughout the night by pagers going off because it was so hot. He was Ok about it, but I felt like a shit.
But; what goes around comes around (as we all well know). Mum called @ 2am - Dad was a mess. All she could understand was that he was going to kill her. So, over I go (J was on her way too, but it's me who seems to be able to put him in his box when he's nuts). He'd also wet the bed. At fifty-fucking-six. Really, WHO wants their child to see them like that?
He tells me over and over that he's going to kill my mother until I snap and yell at him that he has to come through me first and bloody good luck with that. I *know* he doesn't mean it and I *know* he'd have no hope in hell of hurting her; but bloody hell. After EVERYTHING my mother (especially) does for him....
He was at the hospital all day yesterday because he was a little bit outside the box; the fuckers sent him home. But his bloods are fine - so what the hell this is this time, I have no idea. Mum and J are at the hospital now and will no doubt call me when they hear something.
I figure my Wednesday night debt is paid in full and then some.
Monday, February 1, 2010
MY family
The whole big 'talk' was nothing more than 'liver transplant 101' given by the surgeons with regards to the transplant. Quite interesting really, but given we're not up to that point yet....
I asked why we're here listening to this; when we dont' even know if we're getting a liver yet. Basically, dad is a little further gone than they'd like; so they are 'speeding up proceedings'.
What is hard about transplanting (and probably lots of other debilitating illnesses; in this instance I think of the beautiful Jayne ) is the toll it takes on, not only your family who are related to the person who is suffering; but your own immediate family.
My parents were always wonderful, albeit selfish. They bought us both cars; but expected us to pick them up at whatever time to take them home. They gave us the world, but there was always payment for that world.
Now though, Dad is sick. 'payment' is not something that enters my stratosphere. He wants to see the kids? Fine, I'll bring them over. Want me to check your worms? I'm there.
But that sort of...loyalty? takes it's toll on my own family and, understandably, G is...baffled by our whole family set up. Our entire lives revolve around him. My sister and I can't be in the same room; because our approaches to this are just so different that we, without even trying, rile up the other.
G is hurting because I can't give him anymore than I am already giving. Although, part of me knows that I should make my family a priority - something ingrained in me just can't. I keep thinking that this may be the last time I'll talk/see/tend to his worms etc etc and I just cannot get out of that train of thought.
He's beautiful and I love him dearly. He is very confused and hurt. I understand why and part of me wants to sympathise with him and tell him that, tomorrow, I will be the person he married again.
But I can't.
I asked why we're here listening to this; when we dont' even know if we're getting a liver yet. Basically, dad is a little further gone than they'd like; so they are 'speeding up proceedings'.
What is hard about transplanting (and probably lots of other debilitating illnesses; in this instance I think of the beautiful Jayne ) is the toll it takes on, not only your family who are related to the person who is suffering; but your own immediate family.
My parents were always wonderful, albeit selfish. They bought us both cars; but expected us to pick them up at whatever time to take them home. They gave us the world, but there was always payment for that world.
Now though, Dad is sick. 'payment' is not something that enters my stratosphere. He wants to see the kids? Fine, I'll bring them over. Want me to check your worms? I'm there.
But that sort of...loyalty? takes it's toll on my own family and, understandably, G is...baffled by our whole family set up. Our entire lives revolve around him. My sister and I can't be in the same room; because our approaches to this are just so different that we, without even trying, rile up the other.
G is hurting because I can't give him anymore than I am already giving. Although, part of me knows that I should make my family a priority - something ingrained in me just can't. I keep thinking that this may be the last time I'll talk/see/tend to his worms etc etc and I just cannot get out of that train of thought.
He's beautiful and I love him dearly. He is very confused and hurt. I understand why and part of me wants to sympathise with him and tell him that, tomorrow, I will be the person he married again.
But I can't.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
D-Day
Gah.
The surgeons want to see us @ 9am Wednesday.
I'm not sure whether it is 'this is how we do it' - or whether it's 'sorry, he's had a stroke, he's out'.
D-day. and $20 says I won't sleep till then.
The surgeons want to see us @ 9am Wednesday.
I'm not sure whether it is 'this is how we do it' - or whether it's 'sorry, he's had a stroke, he's out'.
D-day. and $20 says I won't sleep till then.
On the ward again....
Back up to 8 west (liver land) and is starting to pick up a bit. He's horribly depressed this time though; I'm reluctant for the kids to even talk to him on the phone lest he ends up in tears.
Hopefully we'll find out more about these last couple of tests today too.
That is all today.
Hopefully we'll find out more about these last couple of tests today too.
That is all today.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Friday 22nd January
It's funny with this whole road. Usually, I know what I have said and who I have said it to - but with this, I always have to check where the person I am talking to is up to - it all changes so fast!
They are saying that these seizures have been happening for awhile (how long is awhile anyway?) and that we'd must not have seen them. I have to wonder about that; because it's incredibly coincidental that, for the entire time he has been left alone these last few months (maybe an hour here and there maybe twice a week?), these seizures have happened?
My father loves my boys. As in, lives for them loves them. He was completely different as a parent - always working, never home, etc - but for my boys - nothing is too much to ask.
He has their photos all over his office and used to call once a day to see how they were. If he didn't see them for the week, he'd be up at our place first thing Saturday morning to take them somewhere. He loves those kids with his entire being and I'm sure him not seeing them is hurting.
It was R's birthday yesterday. We'd decided pretty early on that, whilst he was in ICU that we weren't going to tell him about R's birthday coming up. It would really upset him - and given there is not a damn thing anyone can do about it, we felt it better if we didn't tell him.
I'm glad we didn't.
Mum and J went a few times yesterday because he was asleep for most of the day. He required sedation for the MRI (restless) and, combined with the anti-seizure medication, made him exhausted.
Before we had R's birthday dinner the three of us went in. Mum is very real, like me, but clings to the hopeful world that my sister J is in. This is all like a scratch on the knee for her and he WILL BE FINE SHEL. I get why mum swings between us for support; she knows the deal and knows what is coming, yet sometimes it just hurts so much it's nice to live in hopeful land for awhile.
Whilst we were 'half time change sides' (you can only have 2 in ICU and we were rotating); Mum had gone to swap with J. Dad told me that he's thinking of not having a transplant.
'I'm a dud dad Shel' he says to me sadly. 'I don't know that I can go through with all this'
'What do you mean' I ask.
'The transplant. I don't think I want it'.
Some people are completely FOR saving life. At all costs. 'What do you mean NOT WANTING IT?? You are having it' type view. And part of me wishes I could be that person who steers our family to victory here.
But I can't. I cannot see it as right that I ask him to do it for me. This is his body, his life and his journey.
And seeing what I have seen - how could I possibly judge him for not wanting to continue the road? I will support him 110% in whatever he decides to do. Whatever that is. It is going to kill me when/if he goes - but I would feel incredibly cruel if he prolonged it to keep me happy. I will not do that to him.
Late last night mum called and told me that he'd been moved out of ICU and into a ward. Mum said 'who the hell leaves hospital at 10.30 at night??'
'The dead ones' is my reply dryly.
Transplant hopes - we have no idea. We have to wait for the tests to be done - there is a gastroscopy and a colonoscopy to go; but he needs to be well enough for them. They are pretty shitty tests for a liver patient - you have to fast, no liquid and they give you duretics to clean out your bowels which will probably mean weaker and in hospital - but the sooner it's done, the sooner we can know the next step - if there is one.
They are saying that these seizures have been happening for awhile (how long is awhile anyway?) and that we'd must not have seen them. I have to wonder about that; because it's incredibly coincidental that, for the entire time he has been left alone these last few months (maybe an hour here and there maybe twice a week?), these seizures have happened?
My father loves my boys. As in, lives for them loves them. He was completely different as a parent - always working, never home, etc - but for my boys - nothing is too much to ask.
He has their photos all over his office and used to call once a day to see how they were. If he didn't see them for the week, he'd be up at our place first thing Saturday morning to take them somewhere. He loves those kids with his entire being and I'm sure him not seeing them is hurting.
It was R's birthday yesterday. We'd decided pretty early on that, whilst he was in ICU that we weren't going to tell him about R's birthday coming up. It would really upset him - and given there is not a damn thing anyone can do about it, we felt it better if we didn't tell him.
I'm glad we didn't.
Mum and J went a few times yesterday because he was asleep for most of the day. He required sedation for the MRI (restless) and, combined with the anti-seizure medication, made him exhausted.
Before we had R's birthday dinner the three of us went in. Mum is very real, like me, but clings to the hopeful world that my sister J is in. This is all like a scratch on the knee for her and he WILL BE FINE SHEL. I get why mum swings between us for support; she knows the deal and knows what is coming, yet sometimes it just hurts so much it's nice to live in hopeful land for awhile.
Whilst we were 'half time change sides' (you can only have 2 in ICU and we were rotating); Mum had gone to swap with J. Dad told me that he's thinking of not having a transplant.
'I'm a dud dad Shel' he says to me sadly. 'I don't know that I can go through with all this'
'What do you mean' I ask.
'The transplant. I don't think I want it'.
Some people are completely FOR saving life. At all costs. 'What do you mean NOT WANTING IT?? You are having it' type view. And part of me wishes I could be that person who steers our family to victory here.
But I can't. I cannot see it as right that I ask him to do it for me. This is his body, his life and his journey.
And seeing what I have seen - how could I possibly judge him for not wanting to continue the road? I will support him 110% in whatever he decides to do. Whatever that is. It is going to kill me when/if he goes - but I would feel incredibly cruel if he prolonged it to keep me happy. I will not do that to him.
Late last night mum called and told me that he'd been moved out of ICU and into a ward. Mum said 'who the hell leaves hospital at 10.30 at night??'
'The dead ones' is my reply dryly.
Transplant hopes - we have no idea. We have to wait for the tests to be done - there is a gastroscopy and a colonoscopy to go; but he needs to be well enough for them. They are pretty shitty tests for a liver patient - you have to fast, no liquid and they give you duretics to clean out your bowels which will probably mean weaker and in hospital - but the sooner it's done, the sooner we can know the next step - if there is one.
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