The cleanup

It's been a long long time since I've felt capable enough to write here. So much has happened; in one sense, it feels like forever has passed since we were at transplant - in another, it feels like it happened yesterday. I have been through a whirlwind of emotions and just have not felt up to reliving it all.

After the transplant, Dad stayed in ICU for a week. It's not normal to stay in for that long, but they were very worried about his kidneys. But, they picked up and he was moved to the ward. He stayed in the ward for another week and was due to go home. On the day he was supposed to go home, he had a seizure, so he had to go downstairs to neurology for a few days before going back up to ward 8 before coming home a week later than planned.

Since then; physically, he's been coming ahead in leaps and bounds. Honestly, it's scary to think that 9 weeks ago we were seriously looking at life without him; then 9 weeks later have him back at work wanting to know what's going on. The transplant team are absolutely gobsmacked and he is trudging along in leaps and bounds.

Things they don't tell you so much about;
1. When they tell you that the medication can make you a bit hostile - do not believe them.
This week has been the first week since transplant where I have seen remanents of my
father.

He was so....angry? with the world after transplant. He got out on the Thursday and bought a car on Saturday (do NOT ask) and was livid because we dare ask if it could wait a week. I mean not just agro, but seriously livid I was called all sorts of names and spat at because I dare ask why he needed 8 smoke detectors in his house. And after everything we had been through both with and for him; I snapped. There was my threshold.

Since the 'smoke detector' incident, I have stayed away from all of my family. I felt as though mum was 'feeding' the behaviour by smiling and nodding; and I felt as though my sister was only 'supporting' him because she knew what side of the bread was buttered on. There was no way known I was going to smile and nod through that; and I just did not care how sick he was. I took the kids, my husband and myself; and locked up in our house.

I was very much 'after everything we have been through; this is the father that we end up with'; and if I'm truly honest, I did wonder whether it was a waste of an organ. My father was more worried about his car, or getting some stupid block of land in Nagambie; than realising that he has been given a second chance at life.

The drugs he was on have been reduced already - which is where we're starting to see the remenants of the man we tried to save come back. But, because we've had such a long time with 'encephalopathy dad' for so long; that I had started to forget who dad was.

At the moment, our extremely close, talking every day family, has been fractured. It's not broken, there's no heartbreak or anger or tears. When I stepped back from everyone earlier, I felt as though it was the right thing. And not talking to my sister for 3 weeks is less 'what are you fighting about' - and more normal.

I said to a girlfriend that I am feeling as though all my thoughts & feelings have been tipped around like a snow globe. And that everything, whilst it is all still there, has fallen in different places. And whilst it's different - I feel as though it's a good different.

But can I say that I'd do it again to get here? Nup. Not yet anyway.

Lots happens in 10 days.

Feb 8 to Feb 22. Lots happens in liver land in that relatively short space of time.

He's been out of hospital (2 days out)

He went back into ICU again Friday night.

I remember when this all began, he used to spend 3 days in hospital, with 5 days out. Now we're 10 days in and 2 out.

They have taken him off the seizure medication (thank GOD because he turned into an utter prick with it) because it doesn't seem to be helping.

Just let him die already.

Mum and I went to see him yesterday and I ended up doing a head gasket. I'm not going to repeat what I said to him, but listening to the way he speaks to my mother sometimes makes me inherently angry - and really pushes home the fact that he's not really my father anymore.

No idea what drugs he's on; but it was the kidneys shutting down this time.

Of course it's happening now; its mine and mums birthday tomorrow. He couldn't possibly stay around for a family event. He's missed every event (we'll say J's wedding too, because he wasn't there mentally and the next day was our first trip into ICU) for the last 6 months. His birthday, C's birthday, M's birthday, Christmas, R's birthday, J's wedding and now mine and mums birthday.

It's like he's weaning himself off his family.