Sunday, February 21, 2010

Lots happens in 10 days.

Feb 8 to Feb 22. Lots happens in liver land in that relatively short space of time.

He's been out of hospital (2 days out)

He went back into ICU again Friday night.

I remember when this all began, he used to spend 3 days in hospital, with 5 days out. Now we're 10 days in and 2 out.

They have taken him off the seizure medication (thank GOD because he turned into an utter prick with it) because it doesn't seem to be helping.

Just let him die already.

Mum and I went to see him yesterday and I ended up doing a head gasket. I'm not going to repeat what I said to him, but listening to the way he speaks to my mother sometimes makes me inherently angry - and really pushes home the fact that he's not really my father anymore.

No idea what drugs he's on; but it was the kidneys shutting down this time.

Of course it's happening now; its mine and mums birthday tomorrow. He couldn't possibly stay around for a family event. He's missed every event (we'll say J's wedding too, because he wasn't there mentally and the next day was our first trip into ICU) for the last 6 months. His birthday, C's birthday, M's birthday, Christmas, R's birthday, J's wedding and now mine and mums birthday.

It's like he's weaning himself off his family.

Monday, February 8, 2010

At this stage..

We're at a no. Not until they can work out and control these seizures.

I expected it; I'm better than I thought I'd be.

He got out of ICU yesterday and is now back to 'normal'. He remembers me yelling at him which is incredibly weird; usually he remembers nothing.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Paying Debts without money

As part of my job, I carry a pager. Our company provides 24/7 service you see, so if someones coolroom isn't working @ 2am, it's my job to send an electrician out.

Wednesday night, I bombed. Literally. My boss, M, was woken up throughout the night by pagers going off because it was so hot. He was Ok about it, but I felt like a shit.

But; what goes around comes around (as we all well know). Mum called @ 2am - Dad was a mess. All she could understand was that he was going to kill her. So, over I go (J was on her way too, but it's me who seems to be able to put him in his box when he's nuts). He'd also wet the bed. At fifty-fucking-six. Really, WHO wants their child to see them like that?

He tells me over and over that he's going to kill my mother until I snap and yell at him that he has to come through me first and bloody good luck with that. I *know* he doesn't mean it and I *know* he'd have no hope in hell of hurting her; but bloody hell. After EVERYTHING my mother (especially) does for him....

He was at the hospital all day yesterday because he was a little bit outside the box; the fuckers sent him home. But his bloods are fine - so what the hell this is this time, I have no idea. Mum and J are at the hospital now and will no doubt call me when they hear something.

I figure my Wednesday night debt is paid in full and then some.

Monday, February 1, 2010

MY family

The whole big 'talk' was nothing more than 'liver transplant 101' given by the surgeons with regards to the transplant. Quite interesting really, but given we're not up to that point yet....

I asked why we're here listening to this; when we dont' even know if we're getting a liver yet. Basically, dad is a little further gone than they'd like; so they are 'speeding up proceedings'.

What is hard about transplanting (and probably lots of other debilitating illnesses; in this instance I think of the beautiful Jayne ) is the toll it takes on, not only your family who are related to the person who is suffering; but your own immediate family.

My parents were always wonderful, albeit selfish. They bought us both cars; but expected us to pick them up at whatever time to take them home. They gave us the world, but there was always payment for that world.

Now though, Dad is sick. 'payment' is not something that enters my stratosphere. He wants to see the kids? Fine, I'll bring them over. Want me to check your worms? I'm there.

But that sort of...loyalty? takes it's toll on my own family and, understandably, G is...baffled by our whole family set up. Our entire lives revolve around him. My sister and I can't be in the same room; because our approaches to this are just so different that we, without even trying, rile up the other.

G is hurting because I can't give him anymore than I am already giving. Although, part of me knows that I should make my family a priority - something ingrained in me just can't. I keep thinking that this may be the last time I'll talk/see/tend to his worms etc etc and I just cannot get out of that train of thought.

He's beautiful and I love him dearly. He is very confused and hurt. I understand why and part of me wants to sympathise with him and tell him that, tomorrow, I will be the person he married again.

But I can't.